Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
