Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
