Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
