Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
