M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
