Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
