i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
