I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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