i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
