Can i not drive my cunt home
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
