Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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