she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
