If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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