I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
