I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
