Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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