how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
