When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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