have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
