i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Never let your siblings swipe right.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
