I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
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Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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