I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
