I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
