forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
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I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
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lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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