I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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