I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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