Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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