Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
