New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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