she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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