The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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