oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
