I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
