I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
