How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
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Strip Mario-Kart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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