Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
