Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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