Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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