I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
