I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
