he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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