I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
