even my farts smell like vagina
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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