you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
