all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So apparently I’m into choking now
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