So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
