If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
