Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
