just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
