She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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