Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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