She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
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