Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
